


Unexpected Guests

by honorelle



Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Bilbo has other plans, Gandalf didn't see this coming, Gen, Kink Meme
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-02-15
Updated: 2013-03-04
Packaged: 2017-11-29 08:01:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,728
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/684666
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/honorelle/pseuds/honorelle
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>On the morning that he met Gandalf and started his adventure, canon!Bilbo had planned a quiet evening. This Bilbo, however, had managed to get stuck with inviting Mrs Bolger-Took and her five eligible daughters over for dinner. In self-defence, he also invited five eligible male cousins. Every single one brought a dish of food. And a friend, who also bought food, as a kind of bribe.</p>
<p>By the time Dwalin approached Bag End a party was in full swing. </p>
<p>From the hobbit kink meme</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. An Expected Party with Unexpected Guests

**Author's Note:**

> As stated on the meme, I prompted this, and now I'm filling it because it was a pernicious bunny that did not wish to be adopted. As also stated, I'm not much good at writing much beyond drabbles, but intend to actually get this to a stopping point.

The bright sunny morning our story starts upon, Bilbo Baggins awoke in his plush, comfy bed in a startlingly good mood. He smiled through his morning wash and selecting his morning clothes, he hummed while preparing his bread, jam and cold meats for first breakfast and while he washed up. He was even still in a good mood as he went outside to smoke his pipe and let his breakfast settle. Being invited on an adventure rather broke him out of it though, not least because Gandalf, having been invited to tea, reminded him of another invitation.

Peony Bolger-Took and her five daughters, Stephanotis, Orchid, Myrtle, Forsythia and Gloxinia had managed to inveigle an invitation to dinner, hoping to ensnare one of Hobbiton's most eligible bachelors, and in self defence Bilbo had invited several cousins who were either eligible, handsome or both. And so Bardolph, Jasco, Rambard, Benji and Timallan would also be joining him for the evening.

If Bilbo was going to feed twelve hungry hobbits, many of which would be taking advantage of someone else footing the bill, he would have to go to market, for his stores were not going to suffice.

Twelve hours later, Bilbo was actually thinking wistfully of adventure, for _surely_ it had to be less stressful than this! His cousins had shown up early, one by one, each carrying a side dish or dessert, which would have been more welcome if they hadn't also brought a friend carrying alcohol. The ladies had shown up carrying bread and salad and also accompanied, this time by cousins. By the time he'd welcomed everyone and served aperitifs, a further fifteen uninvited guests had shown up with the words "Hullo Bilbo! I heard you were throwing a party!" on their tongues. If he _had_ actually been the one to answer the door when the Dwarrow turned up, he would hardly have been suprised to hear that word had spread to the Blue Mountains. As it was, Bardolph got the honour.

By the time Dwalin approached Bag End it was dark, and the hobbit he asked for directions to Bag End had told him to tell "Master Bilbo" that he'd be along in about half an hour. When he knocked at the door, it was flung open by a hobbit who looked far too young to be joining the Company.

"Hullo, I didn't know Cousin Bilbo knew any dwarves, well you might as well come in. We run out of cloakroom an hour ago so just drop your stuff in the guest bed, third on the right. Drink is in the kitchen, food in the dining room, games in the library and dancing in the back hall. I think Cousin Bilbo is in the parlour, or possibly the drawing room, or even the study. Oh hey, Astoria, wait up! Please excuse me." And the hobbit darted off with an apologetic flutter of hands.

"Really, Bardy, what do you want..." The conversation trailed off into the general raucous atmosphere of the party, and Dwalin stood in the hallway, bemused. _Was Gandalf offering them a choice of burglar? Was this some kind of test?_ He shrugged and moved to deposit his pack in the indicated guest room. Gandalf had promised food, and food seemed to be available. Best to leave the complex thinking to his brother and Thorin.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The rest of the Company arrived, bar Thorin, but Bilbo only gets introduced to Fili and Kili. Also he has Words with Gandalf. For those who missed it every one of the lasses named in part one has a meaning in flower language. According to the site I found, Stephanotis means Happiness in Marriage, but also Desire to Travel, making it a nice Tookish name.

Balin, for his part, was more interested in getting reacquainted with his brother, getting fed and getting drunk, in no particular order, than he was in figuring out why the promised 'one hobbit, burglar' had turned into fifty hobbits, one of which might, perhaps, be a burglar. It was bound to be at least another hour before Thorin turned up, and damn his majestic hide for refusing to take a guard, or indeed guide, with him to the Kings-meet. He was bound to have gotten turned about somewhere.

Bilbo was quite unaware any dwarves were in his home,until he happened to be in the front hall when someone knocked.

"Fìli," "And Kìli," "At your service!" Bilbo watched the two dwarves bow and rather uncomfortably returned it.

"Bilbo Baggins, at yours. Do come in. May I help you in some way, or did you just happen to hear about the party?" _Really,_ he thought, _I thought most of the Shire had better manners than to invite all and sundry to someone else's home, and Outlanders at that! At least most of the people inside Bag End were family, if not to him then to each other._

"Gandalf said everyone was gathering here, but he didn't say to expect so many of you." said the blond one.

"Is it a local tradition or something?" asked the dark one.

"Gandalf said...? Who is "Everyone"? Tradition...I...Well..." Bilbo, shutting the door, hardly knew where to start. _Drat, drat and double drat, Gandalf and his plans for adventures and never thinking of other people's schedules._

A sweet-faced hobbit lass approached them, "Mister Baggins, you never said you knew dwarves. The one in the kitchen is telling the most interesting stories. Who are these exotic young lads?" She said, sweeping an appraising gaze over the two.

Mentally, Bilbo let out a blistering rant. _Stephanotis, your mother will kill me if I let you get involved with a dwarf, no matter how much I want you drawn to someone not me. You're far too much a Took, girl._ "Thank you, Stephie. These are...friends of a friend, who doesn't happen to be here yet. And you," he turned a dark eye on Fìli and Kìli. "Will wipe your boots, and deposit your things in the guest room, third on the right, before making a nuisance of yourselves. Food is in the dining room, I trust you can find it?"

He knew he wasn't being a good host, but the mere mention of Gandalf had him all in a tither. Luckily, at that moment another knock on the door. Opening it, Bilbo was unprepared for the dwarrowslide that fell on him. Pulling himself from the pile, he nodded at the dwarves picking themselves up. "Bilbo Baggins, at your service. Do make yourselves at home." He turned a steely eye on the final member of the group. "Gandalf. I think perhaps I shall take a little smoke. Perhaps you would join me." He said pointedly.

Bilbo stepped out into his garden, shooing a courting couple back inside, and lit his pipe. Puffing on it, he stared challengingly at the wizard.

"I had not thought you in the mood for a party, this morning." Gandalf mused, not meeting Bilbo's eyes.

"Had you asked, I might have told you it was already arranged and had been for a week. Mind you, I had quite forgot until I invited you to tea, but here you are a day early so I suppose it all balances in the end. You are not the only uninvited guest, but you seem to have invited more than your fair share of chaperones."

Gandalf smiled bemusedly. "Chaperones? My dear boy, I am hardly in the market for a wife."

Bilbo nodded. "Then," He joked, "Like Peony and her daughters, you have come to match-make? I am not sure your wards will find spouses in the Shire. Too warlike."


	3. Ranting at Dwarrows

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thorin doesn't make it to Bag End yet. Several dwarrows get told off.

Thorin Oakenshield, last member of the Company, and King-in-exile Under the Mountain was not, in point of fact, as lost as Balin believed him to be. He dearly wished he was, however, as he watched the female hobbit gesticulate violently with her umbrella.

"...And that's another thing I shall have to give Bilbo Baggins a piece of my mind about! I mean, really, it's hardly respectable at his age and..."

Thorin tuned Madame Lobelia out, certain that if she gave this Baggins all the pieces of her mind she'd listed she would not have much mind left. He had encountered the woman leaving her own home and had swallowed his pride and asked directions. Unfortunately, although she was clearly acquainted with his destination, she had also treated him to a half-candlemark rant on tainting the home that "Would be hers one day, after all wasn't her Otho that fool's closest living relative," before she had deemed him not worth further lecturing and stomped off.

He'd watched her go for all of ten breaths when she turned and snapped "Are you coming or not?"and he'd felt like a 30-year dwarrowling, or one of his nephews, caught under a mother's hammer-gaze awaiting a tempering. He'd scurried to catch up, and spent the rest of the quarter-mark walk trying to regain his dignity.

~~~

Bilbo had managed to be introduced to all of the dwarrow he was currently hosting, including those he hadn't known about. Currently, having taken their fill of food, drink and music, and not being inclined to dancing or games, Balin and Ori were in Bilbo's study, examining his collection of maps.

Fili and Kili had been allowed to eat their fill and collect a fresh drink from the kitchen before a hobbit lass had latched on to each arm, and the four girls had tugged the princes in the direction of the dancing. Poor Bombur had to tell the matrons he was already married five times before they stopped trying to set him up with their daughters. Neither he nor Bifur, who was taking advantage of all the salads and vegetables available, had left the dining room.

Dori and Oin were ensconced in the parlour, in the comfy chairs close to the fire, Gloin having left moments before to smoke, after attempting to light up in the parlour and been the subject of many a disapproving look and comment, and being asked if he "wouldn't mind doing that outside, if you please."

Nori had been firmly discouraged from picking up the decor to check for hallmarks and such things, mostly by Dwalin, who had been passing when Bilbo took the shady dwarf to task. Where either of them had ended up was uncertain. Bofur, following the maxim that the most interesting part of a party occurs in the kitchen, was telling tale tales to a gathering of youngish Tooks who had started asking questions when they refilled their drinks. Bilbo, who was doing a spot of washing up before he ran out of less valued plates and had to get out the best china, listened attentively.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wherein I fail to get Thorin across the threshold of Bag End again. 500 words is about the limit I can write at any given time it seems. *sigh* Hopefully Thorin will get his arse in gear for the next segment.  
> It is canon, both books and movies, that clocks exist in Middle-Earth. However, they only appear, or are spoken of in the form of "stroke of eight o'clock" by characters from the Shire or well familiar with hobbits. Therefore, I decided that most places burn candle-clocks. I felt that a candlemark was about 40 minutes, so 3 candles divided into quarters for a total of 12 segments covers 8 hours - lighting candle 2 as candle 1 burns out. 
> 
> Regarding a dwarrowdam's hammergaze and tempering; I figure most of them would give a scolding like hammer blows, and the stare that would make a child feel pinned to an anvil - to temper a sword, you hit it a lot with a hammer.  
>  I am fairly sure it is book canon that Bombur is married, possibly with many children. Unfortunatley, no-one seems to know where this idea comes from, and I don't have access to my father's copies of Tolkien's work in order to check.


End file.
